A daughter looks to improve her parents care situation – and take the stress off her own shoulders.
When Caroline began looking at how her parents, Barbara and Jeremy, could receive better care than she could give them, it was initially daunting and confusing. Caroline was the closest in proximity to her parents but was still a good 40-minute drive away from their home. The responsibility of taking care of them was taking its toll, emotionally more than anything else.
Barbara and Jeremy were both in their late 80s and had enjoyed good health until recently when Mum’s memory became poor and Dad’s mobility challenged. Caroline had been their primary carer for around three years, going back and forth to ensure they had a decent meal through the week, tidy the house, do the laundry and keep up with things. They were pleased to take Caroline’s meals from the freezer and cook in the evenings. Caroline sometimes drove over during the day to keep up with things, or would stay overnight.
When Caroline noticed meals were still in the freezer and that the house was becoming increasingly dishevelled, she became more concerned. Neighbours were popping in to keep an eye out for them, but even then, those neighbours were getting older—and she couldn’t get around every day. Then, when Dad took quite a bad fall negotiating the kitchen and cooking, she knew something had to change.
Where do you start looking for care with loved ones?
Caroline had two brothers, Tom and Dave. While great with their support, like many families, they lived further away and couldn’t spend time at their parents’ home like Caroline did. Tom’s wife did her best to help, but it was often down to Caroline to make suggestions or decisions about what could be done to help Mum and Dad more. As the eldest and only girl in the family, ensuring everything was suitable for her parents was a natural call.
Often, it’s the women in the family who take on the role of carer, either as parents or taking care of siblings. In many cases, the daughter or daughter-in-law wants to be there when assessments are taking place, decisions are being made, and they’re choosing a care company to look after, and support, loved ones. When you know your parents as people, it’s essential to be able to make decisions that suit them – not just other family members.
Fortunately, Caroline could talk about her and her parent’s situation with a work colleague who was going through a similar scenario with her Mum. Through this conversation, she found a local, Cheshire based, support group for families looking for care – with answers to different problems daughters often face. Added to her own online research, she was able to draw up a list of questions and choices for her parents and family to discuss.
Caroline called for a family get-together over a weekend. Everyone arrived at her house to talk it all through and make some big decisions. They talked about what kind of care they thought would be most suitable for Mum and Dad – and then spoke in depth with Barbara and Jeremy about the extra care they felt was right for them – and why.
Understanding the available options for care – and follow on questions.
A number of care options for Barbara and Jeremy were considered.
– relocation of one/both to a local assisted living village.
– relocation of one/both to a residential care home.
– finding hourly visiting care (known as dom-care) to pop in a key points during each day.
– finding a live in care provider to ensure someone was at Barbara and Jeremy’s home around the clock.
This naturally brought up the debate of “whether Barbara and Jeremy wished to stay at home” and if so “is that practical, achievable and safe?”
Further – “are the practicalities of that decision right for both parents, individually and as a couple?“, and “what is most important for them and the family going forward?”
This brings forward the following questions :
– What were the most essential things for Mum and Dad now? Did they want and need to maintain a certain level of independence – what would that look like?
– What kind of care did they need now – versus in one to five years and beyond?
– What kind of environment was going to be the best for them?
– How much care would they need?
– Was it possible to have bespoke care for Mum and Dad?
– What about hobbies and everything they’ve enjoyed over the years?
Making the right decision for Mum and Dad.
After much discussion with Barbara and Jeremy, Caroline’s brothers, and other family members, it was clear that Mum and Dad wished to stay at home. They weren’t ready to move into a care home, and didn’t feel a retirement village was quite right for them. Everyone felt that their care was going to be manageable at home and could be tailored for the stage they were at in their lives.
This doesn’t mean that care home options are wrong. People must make the right decisions based on personal circumstances, health, and other situations. Moving Mum and Dad from home wasn’t the best option, right now. By staying at home and getting a bespoke level of support for Barbara and Jeremy, the family were reassured Mum and Dad could still enjoy their lives as before but with much more care and attention. They would experience the following benefits:
– Being in their own home meant continuing to have their lives around them – music, books, photographs, hobbies and the garden.
– It meant they could stick with the routine that formed part of their independence—making doctor’s appointments. Going to their local pensioners’ club for lunch. Making dinner or pottering in the garden.
– By staying within their local community, it meant that Barbara was stimulated mentally with ready conversations in the lunch club and Jeremy could be supported getting anywhere with a wheelchair, or a walker when he felt fitter of a day.
– It also meant they could keep their two cats, Jake and Peg, which would provide comfort for them and their pets.
– Caroline and the family could be kept informed by the carer helping them, without her having to go there all the time.
Deciding the right level of care for ‘right now‘…. with an eye to the future.
Having decided that care at home was the right way forward, it was now a question of “how much support is needed?” Jeremy clearly needed far more physical care input than Barbara – and Barbara could not support him at all in the case of an emergency – as had been demonstrated after his fall. Conversely, Barbara was needing more daily support to ensure she remembered everything – but was more physically capable. When looking for care needs to support this situation, the family felt that visiting care – popping in during the morning; at lunchtime; and at bedtime, etc. – was not sufficient to keep Mum and Dad safe. There were just too many gaps in between when something could go wrong. And that would result in stress for Caroline and family when having to drop everything – work, family etc. – to rush over and sort it all out.
This left live in care as the best option for Barbara and Jeremy’s situation – both right now and going forwards. With a carer living in one of the spare rooms in their house – there around the clock to ensure that Mum and Dad could be independent, but safely cared for – this would ensure that Barbara would not forget to do things (and be helped to do them if needed) and Jeremy could be physically aided to stay safe in the shower, or when wishing to potter in the garden etc.
For all the family, it was recognised that live in care would also ‘future proof’ the care situation. It would work unless Barbara’s or Jeremy’s condition deteriorated markedly – and depending on how that manifested, may well continue to work. That then left Caroline to find the best live in care provider for her parents. How to find a suitable live in care provider – and the questions to ask them – are discussed here.
The right outcome for all the family.
Barbara and Jeremy now have the care that suits them. They don’t have 24/7 care at this point in time, because they don’t need it. Live in care is NOT 24/7 care – nor does it cost anything like 24/7 care! They have the care support that ensures they are independent at home. That means that their personal hygiene routines are covered. Their medications are taken on time. That they have the food they need cooked and presented – and the cats do not get forgotten either. They are supported to be at doctors or hospital appointments. And to the weekly lunch club that they both love. And when they are just at home, being Mum and Dad, reading or listening to the radio – or whatever they enjoy doing most.
Caroline feels she has more time, and can relax far more, in the knowledge that there is a carer there with her Mum and Dad. It is a great weight off her mind knowing that they are safe in their own home. Barbara and Jeremy are also more reassured. Knowing that despite feeling challenged at times and vulnerable on occasion, help is in the house to ensure they can cope if they are in difficulty.
When looking for care, thinking about what outcome you want for your Mum and Dad is the best place to start. Discuss all the possible scenarios with them (if they are capable and willing) and also with any partners or siblings. You can explore this site – and find links to others – to develop ideas that will work for you. There is no ‘one best solution’. Live in care worked best for Barbara, Jeremy, Caroline and family – and may well be best for you and your care situation.