Talking about care for your parents, and with your parents, can be difficult. This article gives advice on how to approach this fraught conversation.
Have you found that whenever you try to broach the subject of care or support with a parent or a loved one (who needs more than you or the family can provide), it’s met with a sticky resistance? We know how stubborn people can get as they get older because they understandably don’t want to give up their independence or way of life. Yet they are probably unaware of all the care choices available to them. They may feel they will be forced out of their home and into a care institution. It can be a scary time – for them and you. As we get older, our needs change, and sometimes that means we need extra support. People’s care needs are as unique as they are – some may need a little bit of help with everyday tasks, while others have more complex needs due to disability, dementia, a condition or an illness. Talking about care for your parents isn’t easy. If you’re worried about broaching the subject with a loved one, check our DOs and DON’Ts to help you get started:
DO
– Pay close attention to someone’s health and well-being – anything from unusual weight loss to forgetfulness or a change in personal hygiene can be a sign that you need to think about care and support. – Make sure you approach someone when they’re relaxed and comfortable – perhaps in the morning over a coffee when they’re more alert or a cuppa in the afternoon – or after a meal in the evening. Remember, there is no ‘right time’ to approach an emotive subject like this. – Be kind – not confrontational – this is all about someone’s life. The subject of care is very sensitive, and many people don’t want to admit to themselves, let alone you, that they need additional support. It will make someone feel agitated or anxious – or both. – Be reassuring – be positive and focus on the benefits of care – not the fears around it. Creating emphasis on keeping the house clean and tidy is a good thing, not a negative thing (or a failure if someone struggles with it). For example, focusing on a tidy house will free up more time for friends and family. – Use open questions – instead of asking questions like “do you need care”? you could ask someone how they would feel if they had more support keeping the house clean and tidy. This can encourage someone to be more open to the idea.
DON’T
– Try to argue a point if someone declines the idea of care or further support – remember it’s not just about you! Always try to put yourself in their shoes – how would you feel if someone tried to talk to you about care? Communicate with empathy and understanding – and remember, ultimately, the choice is theirs to make. – Using negative or accusatory language. This isn’t going to create a positive atmosphere or a good starting point around the subject. You may feel wrung out with all the responsibility of taking care of someone (and they’re likely to be very aware of that), but try not to snap at someone with phrases like “you’re stressing me out!”. This will only increase fear, anxiety and guilt. Listen. Be kind and try to understand that the loss of independence is likely to be causing significant stress levels for them, too. – Talking about someone while they’re in the room is disrespectful – even if you mean well. A discussion about care should be just tha, a two-way conversation involving you and your loved one. Encourage someone to talk about it, how they feel, and what their thoughts and concerns are—and ensure their voice is heard at all times. – Assuming a couple can or need to be separated when only one requires care is wrong. Worrying about leaving a lifelong partner will cause untold stress and heartache. This can play a big part in whether someone accepts support for the care they need. While sometimes this can’t be avoided, reassure both parties you will consider all available care options, especially those allowing a couple to stay together.
Further Considerations.
Doing a little research into the care options available before talking to your parents about care will really help. Finding positive benefits and outcomes and dropping these into the conversation will help parents come round to your point of view. Most older people wish to remain at home when it comes to care. Pet owning parents wish to remain united with their dog or cat. Live-in care can help with both of these wishes, so understanding how live-in care works will keep the conversation positive.
These open conversations, with lots of reassurance, will only benefit you and the person needing care or extra support over time. When Barbara and Jeremy started on their care journey with their daughter Caroline, for example, it took some time for them to realise and understand that they needed extra support. It took time for Caroline to have conversations with healthcare agencies and visitors so she could feel at ease around what they were about to embark on. Finding out that live-in care was the right solution for her parents was a relief. By having those conversations, no matter how hard they may feel, you can start to plan what’s best while providing respite to the family who will be part of the planning and co-ordinating after providing care themselves.
